Nicole Ladonne Photography

I’m going to get a little personal with you today.

As a photographer, I will never get used to hearing all of the unsettling, unhealthy opinions people have about the way they look. I can’t count the number of times I have heard “I hate my arms” “Can you photoshop me skinnier?” “I really don’t like my profile”, etc, etc, etc… I swear I could fill this entire post with the things people have told me they hate about themselves. Today I want to absolutely, whole heartedly admit to having those same feelings and insecurities about myself. Honestly, my insecurities have often been a major hang up in my life- at times making me decide to stay away from social events, hide from the camera, obsess over what clothes, hairstyles, etc, would be most flattering. We all focus so much on the things we don’t like about ourselves, that we fail to look in the mirror and see whole, interesting, beautiful people.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’ve come to realize that the time we spend focusing on all the things we dislike about ourselves, prevents us from living in the now. How many of you have said “when I lose some weight” or “I used to be so much skinnier”? The truth is, when you were so much skinnier, how many of you felt skinny? I can bet most of you at that time had the same feelings about yourself that you do now. We are taught to never be happy with ourselves- always thinking we could be better than we are. Now, that’s not to say I think there’s anything wrong with self improvement, or with taking care of your body, I just wish that we could give ourselves a break. When you eat healthy, get done with a workout, take good care of your skin, or whatever little thing you’ve done to improve on yourself, take the time to appreciate it- appreciate not that you’re getting skinnier, or prettier, but that you’ve done something good for yourself.

I know so many people who absolutely will not allow their photo to be taken, simply because they can’t see the good in themselves. Not now. Not when my skin looks like this. Not with this extra weight. Later. Maybe next year. The truth is, when later comes around, do you think that attitude will have changed? Maybe you will lose the extra weight, but will you be happy? Happiness comes with self acceptance. When you look in the mirror and see everything that you are- I am a woman. A business owner. A daughter. A sister. A friend. I am 5′7 and 3/4″. I am a fake blonde. I love science fiction, and baking cookies, and listening to my boyfriend play guitar, and I am so many things that there is no way I could list them all, and everything that I am should give me the confidence to smile my often gummy smile, and to wrap my rather large arms around my amazing friends, and to walk with my head high, and wear cute shoes on my big feet, and not panic when someone has a camera. Because, you know what? If time goes by, and I live my life and try to hide who I am, I’m going to be dissapointed. There will be a time when I look back on the me of today and wish to be her again. I’ll tell myself that I would have lived differently, I would have been happier with who I was. I for one, don’t want to have those regrets. I’m working on it. I’m trying to accept every inch of my body as part of the whole of myself. Because the people around you, the people who love you, they don’t see the dimples in your thighs, or the scars on your face, they see you- their friend, their mother, their lover. You don’t have to change yourself for their love, and you shouldn’t have to change yourself for your own.

I’m writing this to you today because this weekend is my dear friend Colleen’s wedding. I am so honored that she has asked me to stand up beside her as a bridesmaid, and I’ll admit that while I am beyond excited about this, I also have been beyond anxious. I’m worried about my ghostly white legs and my chubby arms, and that I’ll have a double chin in her wedding photos, when I should be thinking about champagne and pedicures with the girls, not crying during my speech, and how perfectly happy and excited I see my friend get as the day get nearer!

I’ve made the decision to stop focusing on how I look, and to focus on enjoying myself. I’ve decided not to ask Stevie T to slim me down in photoshop, or to only get my good side   I’m so excited to share these wedding photos with you when they’re ready, and I promise to try to only see the whole of me in them, and not to think about all the little things that could be better.

I hope that this post resonnates with you. I will end by saying that I know how helpful it can be to have beautiful photos of yourself to look at when you’re feeling maybe not so beautiful. Two years ago, (and I’ll admit a good 15 pounds ago) on my twenty fifth birthday, I treated myself to a glamorous photoshoot with Miss Ksenija Savic. I spent a long time planning for this shoot, and had certainly been working hard on myself for the months leading up to it, but even the day of I woke up wondering if  I should have waited longer. I hadn’t quite reached my weight loss goal, I hadn’t had time to get my eyebrows done, my skin wasn’t in the best shape because of stress… Instead, I fought back the fear and insecurities, put on a confident front, and let Ksenija work her magic. I wanted to share a few of the photos she took of me, and the emotion that these images bring up for me.

I’ll start with my favorite. I cried a little when I saw this image. I never, ever thought I could look this beautiful.

I am ending with this one because I remember when Ksenija set this up. I remember thinking it was an unflattering angle on me, and how I was sure I wasn’t going to like it but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings… Let me just say that I LOVE this image. I love the light, the colors, and I love my big, real smile. I never love my big real smile

I want each one of you to know how beautiful you are.  The experience of having these photos taken was such a wake up call for me. It showed me the woman I know the people who love me see every day. It also was a lesson in how good anyone can look with an amazing make up artist, hairstylist and photographer- good gracious! No wonder celebrities always look good!    Ksenija was not only my amazing photographer, but also did my make up for the shoot, and my hair was styled by past client, and hair stylist extraordinairre Adrienne Conner.  I can’t thank these two women enough.

And thank You, friends, for listening to me today.